weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
it was like his penis was on wheels.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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