ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
