No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
