ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
