I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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