...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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