someone threw a dead crab at me
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
