pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
where are my eyebrows?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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