and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
