im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
