so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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