Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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