sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
