I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
