i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
