I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
