and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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