talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
