$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
dude. I can hear the air.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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