My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
