She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
