I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
