Well apparently he's into motor boating.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
