I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
