He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
