i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
