could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
