she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
