It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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