Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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