We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize