I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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