so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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