checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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