You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
