trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
