If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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