the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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