He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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