whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
