Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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