and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
