apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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