and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My bed smells like the plague
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