Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
