I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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