so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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