he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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