It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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