whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
If that was your dad, he is hot
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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