my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
