Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
