Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
