have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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