since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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