DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
my liver is dry heaving
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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