I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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