Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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