So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize