she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Houston, we have a squirter
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
